happy birthday jon.

i fell asleep with my shoes and socks and sweatshirt and pants and glasses on. i feel awful and i want to call you. but honestly... im really nervous.

my old room.

the mess always fallows me,

end me.

the past few days or weeks or forever have been really hard. i'm feeling sick to my stomach all the time. guilty and nauseous and sad, and angry. i guess i'm just thinking about all sorts of things, things i can't change. missing people and feelings and feeling safe. i miss my bike. i miss your life.

the lake was really pretty lastnight, and i was kind of thinking about all the other times i had been there with other people, and other feelings, and then i was splashed by a really really cold wave.

the holidays are strange now.

Christmas Day with my brothers. 

shit i miss everything. 

the holidays are hard without you.  

i'm going to try and be better.

last night was so much worse then i was expecting. my tongue hurts, my hands are still shaking, and i can honestly say that 2008 was the second worst year of my life. i need a shower and something special.